Random CrapRandom Crap

Bag O’ Crap XXXVIII: Can You Believe This Ship?

Your three dollars get you three craps – and your million dollars for shipping gets you a personal crap delivery from our CEO.

He’ll land in your front yard or on the roof of your apartment building in an AH-64 Apache helicopter and kneel before you to present your crap on a pillow woven from threads of pure platinum and stuffed with manatee whiskers, to fanfare from an 84-piece mariachi orchestra. If there’s a better way to spend a million dollars, we hope you don’t think of it.

Of course, that may seem extravagant to those of you of more limited means. So for a mere $350,000, we’ll hire the most beautiful skydivers we can find of the gender of your choice to parachute down to you with the crap concealed somewhere on their bodies. You’ll have to search them for it. Whatever you find is yours. And take as long as you want – you paid for it. Just enter the coupon code BODYCAVITY when you check out.

If your budget doesn’t permit that, we do offer another choice. A troupe of authentic circus freaks will parade before you in a grotesque pageant of human oddity and pathos, each adding one more piece of crap to your pile as you contemplate the infinite variety of creation. Just don’t call Barba the Bearded Lady “sir”. She’ll mess you up bad, no problem. You can receive your crap via this method by entering the coupon code GABBAGABBA. Shipping charge: $100,000.

True bargain-chasers might prefer a more no-frills alternative. For just $15,000, we’ll arrange an authentic Bedouin-style feast in your home, with your crap stuffed inside the traditional main dish, a whole roasted camel. Vegetarian options available upon request. For this shipping method, enter the tasty coupon code CAMEL.

Of course, if you're the average Wooter, you're more of the frugal type who might find an even better shipping deal. The kind of deal you only discover when you're slow and methodical. The kind that goes to the sort of person who never comes out of their shell. And maybe will be afraid of salt. There's got to be some kind of coupon code for those types.

However you choose to receive it, the world-famous Woot Bag o’ Crap is sure to provide all the disappointment and regret Woot is known for.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

100 Watt Micro Slim Power Inverter with AC and USB – 2 Pack100 Watt Micro Slim Power Inverter with AC and USB – 2 Pack

Half Full Or Half Empty?

Think you might enjoy today’s 2-Pack or 100W Micro Slim Power Inverters? Really, it depends on your outlook on life.

PRO: The 100 Watt Micro Slim Power Inverter can turn your DC power into AC power!

CON: Enron already ruined the profit-making ability of that scam, so the 100 Watt Micro Slim Power Inverter will begin depreciating right away.

PRO: The 100 Watt Micro Slim Power Inverter has AC and USB outlets to power things like a camera, laptop or iPod!

CON: It won’t work with the Firewire Blender you bought back in 2001. They said it was cutting edge, remember? Guess it just goes in the closet next to the CueCat.

PRO: There’s an airline adapter that allows for in-flight use!

CON: The TSA guys probably have no idea what this thing is and you’re going to get strip searched.

PRO: The AC plug part makes a little face! You can put it on your dash and have an imaginary robot sidekick!

CON: Everytime you use it, you will feel like you are stabbing your friend in the eyes and mouth.

PRO: You get a free sticker with the detachable two prong DC adapter!

CON: The sticker reads “This product contains lead, a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive hard. Wash hands after handling.”

PRO: You’re getting two of them and they’ll both work exactly the same no matter what they look like!

CON: You won’t know if you’re getting a Black and Decker and a Vector, two Vectors, or two Black and Deckers. This will make it hard to choose what dress you’ll be wearing when you open the box.

PRO: There are two general types of power inverters: true-sine wave or modified-sine wave (square wave)! True-sine wave inverters produce power that is either identical or sometimes slightly better to power from the public utility power grid system! The power wave when viewed through an oscilloscope is a smooth sine wave! Modified-sine wave and square wave inverters are the most common types of power inverters on the market!Modified-sine wave power inverters produce a power wave that is sufficient for most devices! The power wave is not exactly the same as electricity from the power grid! It has a wave form that appears as a choppy squared-off wave when viewed through an oscilloscope and this power inverter is a modified sine wave!

CON: Come on. You’re not reading all that. What is this, english class?

Warranty: 1 Year Black and Decker

Features:

• Converts vehicle’s 12 volt DC power into household 115 volt AC power
• Single AC & USB outlet powers and/or recharges personal electronics
• Low battery shutdown prevents total battery drain
• LED indicator shows power & fault conditions
• Airplane adapter for in-flight use
• Detachable 12 volt DC power cord for use in vehicle
• Ideal for use with laptops, cell phones, digital camera/camcorders, PDA’s, MP3’s and more

Specifications:

• Max Continuous Power: 100 W
• Input: 13.8 volts
• Output: 115 volts
• Fuse: 10 amps Amps
• Output Wave Form: Modified Wave Form
• Powers Up To: 0.87 amps Amps

In the box:

• 2 Black & Decker or Vector 100W Micro Slim Power Inverters
• 2 Detachable 2-Prong 12 Volt DC Adapter Cords
• 2 12 Volt DC Vehicle Accessory Adapters
• 2 Airplane Adapters
• 2 Protective Carrying Cases

Apple iPod 30GB VideoApple iPod 30GB Video

Not mollified by the fact that Apple only makes white earbuds, Millard grumbled that now his daughter would lack a properly color-coordinated personal media solution. So he went out and paid $29 for black earbuds somewhere else and laid the blame at our feet. Despite our humongous photo of said iPod with white earbuds, despite everybody on Earth except Millard knowing that Apple’s white earbuds are iconic and ubiquitous, Millard still insisted that we “do something to off-set my additional expense” because he “felt mislead.” We’re a funny species, aren’t we?

So for all you Millards out there, even if you choose the “Black” option for today’s Apple iPod 30GB Video, be advised that it will NOT include black earbuds. It will give you 30GB of storage space for music and video, a 2.5” 320×240 QVGA screen, and a built-in rechargeable battery good for 14 hours of music or 2 hours of video on a charge. And it’ll come in the characteristically stylish and hand-pleasing Apple hardware that has taken the world by storm. If you really, really need to play your Black iPod through something black, we know where you can find a cheap iPod boombox/docking speakmajig that will satisfy your peculiar chromatic fixation.

But black earbuds? Sorry, Millard. Not the way this whole iPod thing works. Before you spend thirty bucks to correct our “mistake”, here’s a tip: it’d be a lot cheaper to buy a can of spray paint. Sure, you won’t be able to listen to the earbuds after you paint them. But they’ll be the right color. And that’s really the important thing. Apparently.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

HP Pavilion Core 2 Duo 17″ Entertainment Notebook with Blu-RayHP Pavilion Core 2 Duo 17″ Entertainment Notebook with Blu-Ray

Don’t do it.

Seriously, dude.

Hey, you don’t want to buy this computer. Seriously, your old notebook is fine. And anyway, haven’t you spent enough money lately? Like, during the Woot-Off and stuff? Thrift is in, haven’t you heard?

Yeah, yeah, it’s almost the same computer we sold here not too long ago. Very similar. And it was wildly popular then. But it’s a little bit different this time. For one thing, this model’s got a 500-gig hard drive where the last one had 320. And that’s just overkill, really. 500 gigs? Come on. You don’t need that. What are you going to do with 500 gigs? On a laptop? Seriously.

Also, the other model just had a regular DVD drive, whereas this one has a Blu-Ray/DVD drive. And—first of all, Blu-Ray is obviously a passing fad. Everyone knows that. It can’t last; the picture’s too sharp. Once the novelty wears off, who’s going to plunk down top dollar for yet another version of their favorite movie, only to discover that Penelope Cruz is starting to show her age a little? This format is going to shatter too many fantasies to survive.

But secondly, the screen on this machine isn’t 1080i or 1080p, so it can’t take full advantage of Blu-Ray in all its Blu-Rayness. I mean, yeah, there’s an HDMI port, so yes, you could run a signal out to an HDTV or projector or whatever, but let’s be honest: when are you going to do that, hunh?

Besides, when you see a really nice entertainment-system-type notebook like this at such a remarkably low price, you should really think hard before you buy it. Is it too showy? Too ostentatious? People could see you using it and, not knowing what a great deal you got on it, assume you’re some kind of rich person. Then before you know it, you’re being vilified on cable news along with the guys with the bonuses at AIG. Or you’ve been abducted by professional kidnappers who think your family must have big bucks for ransom. And then what? No, you don’t need that hassle.

OK, look, we’re going to level with you. The thing is, we really, really want to buy one of these for ourselves. It’s just that we’re having kind of a cash flow problem. The customer service lady at the credit card company says we’ll have an available balance by late this afternoon, but this thing could be sold out by then.

Unless, that is, people like you decide not to snap them all up. So come on, have some sympathy. Hold off on buying this notebook, would you?

Warranty: 90 Day HP

Philips 1000 watt 5.1 Home Theater SystemPhilips 1000 watt 5.1 Home Theater System

Poke Me Again, I Dare You

QUIZ: which kind of Friendbook quiz are you? Take this quiz and find out which kind of quiz you’d be if you were a quiz!

1. What is your favorite kind of food?
a) It depends on my mood. But generally, I enjoy anything prepared skilfully with fresh ingredients.
b) I luv all kinds of fine cuisnie like PF. Changs, Noodle Co., and Sizzler’s.
c) The sexy kind!
d) A/C electrical power, so I can deliver 1000 watts of 5.1 surround sound to my four satellite speakers, one center speaker, and 8” high-efficiency subwoofer.

2. Who is your favorite Stooge?
a) Curly, obviously. Everyone’s favorite stooge is Curly, and anyone who says different is lying.
b) Mo because hes the smartest and the boss.
c) Larry, the sexy one!
d) Thanks to my 12-bit/108MHz video processing, they all look great, even when I have to upconvert their DVDs to simulated 1080i HDMI video.

3. A true friend is always:
a) Honest with you, even when it comes to telling you things you may not like to hear. A real friendship can withstand anything except a loss of trust.
b) Has an open heart and a shulder to cry on.
c) Sexy!
d) As faithful as my DTS, Dolby Digital and Pro Logic II sound reproduction.

4. If you could vacation anywhere, where would it be?
a) A combination of pleasant weather and cultural interest would be ideal. Let’s say Barcelona, the Greek islands, or New Zealand.
b) Daytona Beech for spring break – PARTY CENTRAL yo!
c) Somewhere sexy!
d) It doesn’t matter much, as long as I could play back the DivX movies and JPG photos of the trip.

5. What’s the most horrifying thing you’ve ever seen?
a) I really don’t think that’s an appropriate question for some silly Friendbook quiz.
b) Hope dyeing of hopelessness in the heart of a child.
c) Pleated khakis! Talk about un-sexy!
d) Someone unable to play a CD, (S)VCD, DVD+R/RW, DVD-R/RW, DVD+R DL, MP3, JPG, or WMA in their DVD player. That’s why I offer all of those options myself.

If you answered mostly A: your thoughtfulness and solid command of the English language make you the kind of Friendbook quiz that doesn’t exist – the best kind to be.

If you answered mostly B: the logical incoherence, garbled writing, mindlessness, and rank sentimentality you display make you exactly like every other Friendbook quiz. Congratulations. You’ll go far.

If you answered mostly C: you are the kind of pathetic quiz who is so desperate for a cheap hookup that you use Friendbook solely to let everybody know how “sexy” you are. Most of your friends are too polite to tell you how sad and ridiculous you are. We’re not.

If you answered mostly D: you’re not a Friendbook quiz at all. You’re the Philips HTS3544 1000 watt 5.1 Home Theater DVD System. And you’re way too busy delivering a high-performance multimedia experience to waste your life away on Friendbook.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited

Woot-Off Lights with Screaming MonkeyWoot-Off Lights with Screaming Monkey

If you want to remember the special moments of this woot-off, buy a set of Woot-Off Lights with a Screaming Monkey. This special combo is your way of saying “Hey, I have a monkey and some lights! I was there!” And one day, that might be important. Some of you threw out your Star Wars figures too early, after all. You could have retired on that. Don’t make that mistake twice with the Desert Camo monkey.

Are you sitting there asking yourself “Will these ever come back again?” That way lies madness. Instead, just tell yourself that the Woot-Off Lights with Screaming Monkey are almost gone, only seconds left, and if you don’t get them now you’ll regret it. And then get them. That’s the sort of thinking that made this country great. And helps us cover our staff insurance policies. Stomach pumping is really sort of expensive these days. Even in Japan.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Woot Off Lights Features:

• Rotating Woot Off lights with LED bulb
• Can be set 43” apart from each other with 62” long USB cable and stands 3" tall
• Individual on/off switch for each light in case watching two spin at once is just a bit overwhelming
• Stop co-worker interruptions during certain “high productivity” times of ecommerce opportunity analysis
• Stop explaining what you’re doing hitting F5 repeatedly, simply extend arms and slowly bow to woot-off lights in response
• Trick co-workers by turning them on and excitedly hitting F5 on woot.com during non-woot off days
• Purchase monitors with cosmetic defects at a discount, knowing you can cover the damage with included velcro strips
• Stress relief from denied BOC purchase (warning: throw lights at floor or wall, not other people)
• Finally have a use for your portable Black and Decker USB enabled battery in your closet from our April Fools Woot Off
• Practice the bolas throwing technique to take down cattle, great for passing co-workers who walk fast to feign urgency

Screaming Monkey Features:

• Slingshot-like rubber arms
• Professed 50-foot flight range
• Majestic cape features equally majestic Woot logo
• Screams like the souls of the damned roasting over the fires of Hell

Maverick Ventures LumPod Stick-On LED FlashlightMaverick Ventures LumPod Stick-On LED Flashlight

Of Course, You Can Still Choose To

No one thinks about a flashlight until they need one. And then it’s too dark. And then you fall and die. And the poor orphans don’t get their medicine.

So if you’re the sort of person who enjoys dead orphans, stay far away from the Maverick Ventures LumPod Stick-On LED Flashlight. With four of these babies, you can have light anywhere you go. Attach them to your phone, or your keys, or your baby, or anything you expect you won’t ever lose, and you’ll have a handy, thin flashlight with you at all times. A 30,000 hour bulb life allows you around three years of light from the dual LED bulbs, and with four on hand, you’ll always have something to light your way.

So remember: a Maverick Ventures LumPod Stick-On LED Flashlight means never having to leave dead orphans in your wake. And that’s a promise no other flashlight will make.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Stick on LED lights
• Easily attackes to a cell phone, walkie talkie, MP3 or PDA, purse, retractable pet leash, by key holes, on a night stand or in any other place you can imagine
• On/Off button, press when you need it
• Dual LED bulbs
• 30,000 hour bulb life

Shocking Cell PhoneShocking Cell Phone

That’s How They Made Lou Reed A Musician

We all have at least one friend who still thinks it’s 1998.

They’re clinging to that old cell phone. The screen is cracked, the battery is weak, everything is black and white, but they just won’t let go of it no matter what.

The Jumpin Banana JB016 Shock Cell Phone Toy is your quick way to aversion therapy. When you, or even better, your friend, touches it, a quick jolt of electricity is released, causing pain, suffering, screaming, and laughter. After three or four times, that old faithful cell phone will look like a deadly cobra with numbers on it. And your friend will finally be ready to move on.

Warranty: 1 Year Jumpin Banana

Features:

• Novelty shocking cellphone
• Gives you a jolt of electricity when you touch it
• Looks like a real cell phone

In the box:

• Jumpin Banana JB016 Shock Cell Phone Toy

VTech 5.8Ghz 3-Handset Phone with Answering SystemVTech 5.8Ghz 3-Handset Phone with Answering System

Also, “That’s What She Said” called

It wants its top ranking as our favorite joke formula back

Dear Clarence:

Amber and Tiffani and Jaden and I were talking and we all think you should totally buy this VTech phone.

It has enhanced 5.8 GHz technology and a volume control right on the handsets so you’ll be able to hear perfectly when 1993 calls to ask for its clothes back.

It has a digital answering system with 15 minutes of recording time in case you’re out in the yard when a walrus calls to ask for its facial hair back.

Its caller ID and call waiting system will store 45 calls, so you’ll be able to see if all seven dwarfs call over the course of a Saturday to ask for their physiques back.

It has a big, easy-to-read, illuminated display, so it will be easy for you to answer the phone in the middle of the night when Roman Polanski calls to ask for his sick sexual fantasies back.

The handset displays caller ID info when calls come in, too, so when the phone rings, you’ll be able to look and see that it’s Burger King french fries calling to ask for their grease back.

You can do remote message retrieval on it, too, which will be convenient if you’re on a weekend retreat with your family’s freaky cult church church but you want to call in and get the message that a bucket of cow snot called to ask for its charisma back.

Finally, there are three handsets so you can transfer the call to each of your creepy brothers in turn when raw chicken that’s been left out in the sun calls you guys to ask for its distinctive odor back.

P.S. Jaden wants to know if you like her, Y or N circle one.

Warranty: 1 Year Vtech

Features:

• Digital answering system with 15 minutes of recording time, the digital answering system answers the call when you can’t. No tapes or moving parts
• Caller ID/call waiting, Know who’s calling with caller ID/call waiting. Handset displays the name, number, time and date of incoming calls
• Large lighted display, extra large display illuminates, allowing for easier viewing
  in dim light
• Enhanced 5.8 GHz technology
• Three handset system—includes 3 handsets and requires only one phone jack (only one handset can be in use at a time)
• Caller ID/call waiting—stores 45 calls
• Digital answering system—no tapes or moving parts
• Transfer calls between handsets—no more shouting, “It’s for you!”
• 20 name and number phonebook directory—easily store and dial frequently called numbers
• 9 number speed dial
• Press Any key to answer
• Remote message retrieval—call in from anywhere to get your messages
• 12 minutes of recording time
• Audible time and date stamp on recorded messages
• Backlit message counter
• Large lighted display for easier viewing
• Backlit keypad
• Handset volume control
• Last number redial
• WiFi friendly—won’t interfere with wireless networks
• Trilingual prompts—choose between English, Spanish or French
• Page/handset locator
• Selectable ring tones
• Wall mount bracket included
• Comfortable handset size

Gerber Multi-Pliers Multitool Knife & LED Flashlight SetGerber Multi-Pliers Multitool Knife & LED Flashlight Set

Maybe Some Nice Marigolds

In two minutes, you’re going back in time. Back through a randomly opening wormhole. Back to the dawn of man.

What’s the one thing you want to take? Confusing, isn’t it? You might need a saw to cut wood or a screw driver to stab dinosaurs in the eye. A colorful light could help you scare the locals into treating you like a god, but a set of needlenose pilers would really work when you got a splinter. How do you choose?

Well, with the Gerber Multi-Pliers Multitool Knife & LED Flashlight Set, you don’t have to choose. All you have to do is hold on to something for the nine-to-twenty years it will take Smartpost to deliver it, and then fall into the wormhole knowing you’re safe. With a 12 function multiplier, a 10 function miniplier, and a four color LED flashlight with all sorts of additional tools, the Gerber Multi-Pliers Multitool Knife & LED Flashlight Set will help you defeat your primitive enemies and spread your seed in the bellies of their women. If you’re female, you should also know that seed is not included and you should plan ahead.

Warranty:1 Year Gerber

Full size 12 function multi-plier

• Spring action pliers
• Titanium nitride coating
• Ballistic Nylon sheath
• Needlenose pliers
• Wire Cutter
• Serrated Edge Knife
• Saw
• Scissors
• Crosspoint screw driver
• Small flateblade screwdriver
• Can opener
• Bottle opener
• Lanyard hole

10 function mini multi plier:

• Spring action plier
• Titanium nitride coating
• Key ring attachment

4 Color LED Flash light:

• 4 Interchangeable LED heads
• White: General Use
• Red: Night vision
• Green: Safety
• Blue: Fluid ID
• Ballistic nylon sheath
• Needle nose pliers
• Bottle opener
• Medium flateblade screwdriver
• File
• Nail Cleaner
• Crosspoint screwdriver
• Small flateblade screwdriver
• Fine edge knife
• Tweezers
• Key ring attachment