Philips Upconverting DVD Player with DivX and HDMIPhilips Upconverting DVD Player with DivX and HDMI

All The Madagascar Jokes Have Been Made

The Swine Flu. It’s coming. It’s coming for your children and your parents. It’s coming for your co-workers and your acquaintances. And worst of all, it’s coming for your swine.

Like some nightmare scenario ripped from the mind of a NAFTA hating pharmacist, the Swine Flu is crawling up from our Southern border. No longer can we snuggle bacon to our chest or share our ham sandwiches with strangers. It is clear that, if you want to live through this disaster of Biblical proportions, there is only one answer. First, you must immediately panic. And second, you have to buy a Philips Upconverting DVD Player w/DIVX and HDMI.

While hidden away in your pre-sterilized, certified kosher emergency bunker, fully prepared to wait out the disaster, a Philips Upconverting DVD Player w/DIVX and HDMI can provide a useful memory of how other humans behave. Able to play CD, VCD, DVD, DVD-R and-RW, MP3s, WMAs, JPEGs and DivX files. the Philips Upconverting DVD Player w/DIVX and HDMI can cover all your entertainment needs. Plus the Progressive Scan component will optimize video images, and that will prove to be far more enjoyable than conducting that long-postponed inventory of the canned goods in Room “B”. Incidentally, keep in mind that the old cans of Pork N’ Beans may be compromising your security. They say they’re loyal to you, but can you really trust them?

The Philips Upconverting DVD Player w/DIVX and HDMI also comes with an audio/video cable and remote control. It’ll be easy to use, even as you try to pretend that there’s still hope for your soon-to-be infected loved ones. You lie to yourself from love. It’s okay. But you have to accept that there’s no hope for them now. Don’t be blinded by a false need for mercy. Throw them out into the street while there’s still time. You can have more children later, if you find that you need them. In a crisis like this, your first priority is to yourself.

Even now, scores of dozens of human beings are at risk of maybe possibly dying if left untreated over a period of time. Why risk being a maybe possibly? You’re so much more important than they are! Wash your hands, lock the door, and order a Philips Upconverting DVD Player w/DIVX and HDMI to provide clear, upconverted companionship. The survivors will call when it’s all over, don’t you worry. They’ll need someone like you, someone with leadership skills and 192 kHz audio DAC sampling. And you can bet they’ll never tire of telling you that they were wrong, and you were right. Not just about the pandemic. About everything.

Oh, hey, FYI, don’t bring a football with you. The skin never falls far from the tree, if you get what we’re saying.

Warranty: 90 Day Philips

Features:

• DVD playback with 1080i HDMI upconversion
• DivX Ultra Certified for enhanced playback of DivX videos
• Plays CD, (S)VCD, DVD, DVD+R/RW, DVD-R/RW
• Plays DivX, MP3, WMA and JPEG digital camera photos
• 12-bit/108MHz video processing for sharp, natural images
• 192kHz/24 bit audio DAC enhances analogue sound input
• Progressive Scan component video for optimized image quality
• EasyLink controls all EasyLink products with a single remote
• HDMI digital output for easy connection with only one cable
• High definition JPEG playback for images in true resolution

Additional Photos:

• Audio/Video Connections
• Remote Control

Picture/Display:

• D/A converter: 12 bit, 108 MHz
• Picture enhancement: Progressive Scan, Video Upscaling(720p, 1080i/p)

Sound:

• D/A converter: 24 bit, 192 kHz
• Frequency response: 30-20000 Hz
• Signal to noise ratio: > 90 dB
• Distortion and Noise (1kHz): > 65 dB
• Crosstalk (1kHz): > 70 dB
• Dynamic Range (1kHz): > 80 dB
• Sound System: Dolby Digital

Video Playback:

• Playback Media: CD, CD-R/CD-RW, Video CD/SVCD, DVD, DivX, DVD+R/+RW, DVD-R/-RW, DVD-Video
• Compression formats: MPEG1, MPEG2
• Video disc playback system: NTSC, PAL

Audio Playback:

• Playback Media: CD, MP3-CD, MP3-DVD, WMA-CD, CD-R/RW, Audio CD
• MP3 bit rates: 32 – 320 kbps
• Compression format: MP3, Dolby Digital, PCM, WMA

Still Picture Playback:

• Playback Media: DVD+R/+RW, DVD-R/-RW, CD-R/RW, Picture CD, Kodak Picture CD
• Picture compression format: JPEG
• Picture enhancement: Rotate, Zoom, Slideshow, Flip photos

Connectivity:

• Rear Connections: Analog audio Left/Right out, ComponentVideo out Progressive, Composite video (CVBS) output, Digital coaxial out, HDMI output
  Convenience
• Child Protection: Child Lock, Parental Control
• On-Screen Display languages: Canadian French, English, Mexican Spanish
  Power
• Power consumption: < 10 W
• Power supply: 120V, 60Hz
• Standby power consumption: < 1.0 W

Dimensions:

• Packaging dimensions (W x H x D): 415×82 x 282 mm
• Set dimensions (W x H x D): 360×37 x 210 mm

Multimedia Applications:

• Playback Formats: JPEG Still pictures, MP3

In the box:

• DVP3962 DVD Player
• Remote Control
• Audio / Video Cable
• User Guide

Soundmatters MainStage HD HiFi Theatre ConsoleSoundmatters MainStage HD HiFi Theatre Console

They called him an animal

They wanted a piece of him—now they’re going to get more than just a little BIT

People, let me clue you in. You don’t need a big, fancy multi-speaker high-definition console to fill your media room with sound.

Oh, suuure, that’s what the online deal-a-day gadget-mongers will tell you. They’ll try to push a system like the SoundMatters MainStage on you, touting its built-in amplifiers and digital processing capabilities. And—OK, yes, I concede that the MainStage’s digital amp and top-mounted, four-inch woofer will pump out a nice, big earful of cinematic sound. And, OK, I have to admit it’s a lot easier to set up than some audiomaniac’s six-speaker dream system, with cables running all over, uglyin’ up the joint.

But folks, the easy way to get room-filling sound is to do it the way I did: Get a really, really small media room.

Mine’s a converted linen closet, which I lined with acoustic tiles. Small? Shoot! I had to start doing yoga just to squeeze in there. When I’m watching DVDs, I feel like I’m both of those fat minibike twins from the Guinness Book, sharing a New York City half-bath. There’s barely enough room in there for me and my tiny, fifteen-inch TV (with built-in DVD player).

But believe you me, when I cram myself in there to watch Big Caleb Thunder, Wolfman Ninja of Harlem, all several cubic feet of that clos—excuse me, media room—fairly pulsate with the sounds of funky ‘70s soul and feral, savage snarls.

Now, would the SoundMatters Mainstage console let me enjoy big sound in a room-sized room while simultaneously stretching my legs on a couch? I grant you, yes. And is its Zoran Virtual Multichannel Digital algorithm a cool, math-y way to create a 180-degree sound field? Yeah, I guess.

But look at it this way: My system ensures no one ever wants to come over to watch TV at my place, so I never have to do any annoying “housekeeping.” I feel sorry for my pal Dean on that score. He owns the SoundMatters MainStage system, and people always want to hang out at his house! He could never get away with letting his place get half as filthy as mine!

Ah, the poor sap.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to do my pre-movie-watching stretches.

Warranty: 2 Year Soundmatters

Pure Digital Flip Ultra Series F260 CamcorderPure Digital Flip Ultra Series F260 Camcorder

Rockin’ The House

“Oh, boy, am I glad that I had this Pure Digital Flip Ultra Series 60 Minutes Video Camcorder ready today! Wow!”

“This is real mature, Jack. Real mature.”

“Here, wanna watch it? Ahahahahaha! There it is! The look! Hahahahahaha! Let’s watch it again! Ahahahahaha!”

“You’re supposed to be my brother, Jack. We’re supposed to have empathy. Two of a kind, you and me. We gotta look out for each other. Why would you do something like this? Why would you take joy in it?”

“Ahahahahaha! I can’t stop watching! The look on your face! I can’t tell you how happy I am that my Pure Digital Flip Ultra Series 60 Minutes Video Camcorder has this USB arm to allow for rapid data transfer. Hahahahha! I’ve got to email this video to Mom!”

“Jack, listen. I’m asking you. Let’s come together in this time of crisis and be a family again. Let’s just erase that video… together.”

“Well, let me think… NO! Hahahahahaha wheeeeeee! Oh, I want to freeze it and get this frame right here. My Pure Digital Flip Ultra Series 60 Minutes Video Camcorder takes thirty frames a second, you know, at 4.0Mbps. I’m gonna try and turn this one into my avatar online. I think you’re turning purple for real! Hahahahha!”

“Jack, this is childish. Why relish in the pain of others? Why be happy that I’m sad? You’d side with strangers over your own flesh and blood?”

“Wait, wait. I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening then. I was watching that part where you started punching the radio after they announced that Arlen Specter had left the Republican Party. Hahahahaha! Look how mad you are! It’s so great! Now, what were you saying?”

“Jack, this is the sort of thing that’s pushing your party away from voters. This kind of behavior is what’s alienating the youth vote, and causing you to lose your position in… what are you doing now? What is that you’re holding?”

“This? It’s one of the purple bandages from 2004! I saved it for your scrapbook. Remember how you kept throwing them at me for a month straight, talking about cowards and flip flops? Too bad you didn’t have a Pure Digital Flip Ultra Series 60 Minutes Video Camcorder back then. I bet you really would have loved to watch that video today.”

“Jack, why can’t we just be grown-ups? You’re my brother, I love you. C’mon. Let’s just get over this political stuff and come together. As people. As family. As brothers.”

“Well… maybe. Answer me this, first. What do you think of that NYC Fly-by thing from the other day?”

“It was a stupid decision.”

“Anything else?”

“Nope. It was just a stupid decision. A decision made by a showboating president who won’t even show his birth certificate to the- NO, WAIT!”

“Too late! I hit send! Mom’s gonna love that video so much. Hey, should I get her a Pure Digital Flip Ultra Series 60 Minutes Video Camcorder too? I bet we’re gonna have plenty of great stuff to record during the next few months! Hahahahaha! Woo! Look at the way you’re jumping up and down! Oh, man, I love this video so much! I love this Pure Digital Flip Ultra Series 60 Minutes Video Camcorder! Hahahahaha!”

Warranty: 90 Days Pure Digital Technology

DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm – Three Pack – $9.99DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm – Three Pack

For Three-Alarm Fires

As curator of the National Oily Rag & Vintage Space Heater Museum, I have no choice but to take fire safety very seriously.

Despite our name, there’s a lot more under our roof than just oily rags and vintage space heaters. Did you know that we’re home to the nation’s largest collection of turkey deep-fryers? Furthermore, our new Stacks Of Old, Brittle Newspaper Wing is scheduled to open in Fall 2009. All I have to do is forget to change the batteries in our smoke alarms just once, and a priceless legacy of solvent-soaked and tinder-dry Americana could literally go up in flames.

That’s why these DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarms are the official smoke detectors of the NORVSHM. Since they run and charge off of the museum’s electricity, there are no batteries to remember (or forget) to change. You just screw this alarm into a ceiling light socket, screw a bulb into the socket on the alarm, and charge the alarm by turning the light on. I appreciate that kind of simplicity, especially since it would’ve been difficult to connect an extensive alarm system to the museum’s 95-year-old electrical wiring.

Ever since we installed these, I sleep so much better at night that I usually fall asleep before I’ve even finished my last cigarette. There’s just no other alarm I’d trust to protect these oily rags. We like the DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm so much, we keep a whole pallet of them on hand at all times. They’re right over there, under the EXIT sign.

Warranty: 10 Year DuPont

Features:

• Unique AngelEye technology featuring an internal self-charging power pack
• No batteries are required because it runs and charges off the electricity of your home
• Installation is simple
• Screw it into a ceiling light socket
• Light bulb screws into the smoke alarm to have a light source and smoke alarm in one
• Great for highest risk areas in your home such as laundry rooms, basements, furnace rooms and storage areas
• Not to be used in table lamps, floor standing lamps or ceiling fans
• Easy testing by flipping the light switch
• The only smoke alarm approved for use in garages where temperatures may fall to 5 degrees Fahrenheit
• Audible warning is given when the power pack charge is low
• Turn on the light to re-charge the battery pack
• Designed to operate for 30 days without additional electrical power, when fully charged
• Dimensions: 3”H x 5”L x 3”W

Additional Photos:

• Light Socket for Light Bulb
• Electrical Contact
• DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm with Light Bulb (Light Bulb Not Included) 
• Package

In the box:

• Three PS-131 Self-Charging Smoke Alarms
• Three Product Manuals

DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm – Three PackDuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm – Three Pack

For Three-Alarm Fires

As curator of the National Oily Rag & Vintage Space Heater Museum, I have no choice but to take fire safety very seriously.

Despite our name, there’s a lot more under our roof than just oily rags and vintage space heaters. Did you know that we’re home to the nation’s largest collection of turkey deep-fryers? Furthermore, our new Stacks Of Old, Brittle Newspaper Wing is scheduled to open in Fall 2009. All I have to do is forget to change the batteries in our smoke alarms just once, and a priceless legacy of solvent-soaked and tinder-dry Americana could literally go up in flames.

That’s why these DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarms are the official smoke detectors of the NORVSHM. Since they run and charge off of the museum’s electricity, there are no batteries to remember (or forget) to change. You just screw this alarm into a ceiling light socket, screw a bulb into the socket on the alarm, and charge the alarm by turning the light on. I appreciate that kind of simplicity, especially since it would’ve been difficult to connect an extensive alarm system to the museum’s 95-year-old electrical wiring.

Ever since we installed these, I sleep so much better at night that I usually fall asleep before I’ve even finished my last cigarette. There’s just no other alarm I’d trust to protect these oily rags. We like the DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm so much, we keep a whole pallet of them on hand at all times. They’re right over there, under the EXIT sign.

Warranty: 10 Year DuPont

Features:

• Unique AngelEye technology featuring an internal self-charging power pack
• No batteries are required because it runs and charges off the electricity of your home
• Installation is simple
• Screw it into a ceiling light socket
• Light bulb screws into the smoke alarm to have a light source and smoke alarm in one
• Great for highest risk areas in your home such as laundry rooms, basements, furnace rooms and storage areas
• Not to be used in table lamps, floor standing lamps or ceiling fans
• Easy testing by flipping the light switch
• The only smoke alarm approved for use in garages where temperatures may fall to 5 degrees Fahrenheit
• Audible warning is given when the power pack charge is low
• Turn on the light to re-charge the battery pack
• Designed to operate for 30 days without additional electrical power, when fully charged
• Dimensions: 3”H x 5”L x 3”W

Additional Photos:

• Light Socket for Light Bulb
• Electrical Contact
• DuPont Self-Charging Smoke Alarm with Light Bulb (Light Bulb Not Included) 
• Package

In the box:

• Three PS-131 Self-Charging Smoke Alarms
• Three Product Manuals

HP Touchsmart Core 2 Duo All-in-One PC with 22″ TouchscreenHP Touchsmart Core 2 Duo All-in-One PC with 22″ Touchscreen

In This Case, HP Stands For “Hamantha Pox”

Hey, at least she had one hit. That’s one more than you’ll ever have.

Full moon in the city
And I was on Woot
I was hungry for love
I was hungry for USB ports

I was checking the specs
And they looked adequate
When I saw “4GB DDR2”
I didn’t mean to hesitate

This is the night
This is the night
This is the time you’ve got to buy it, right?

(this is the night)
TouchScreen, TouchScreen
Want you to feel my LCD
Your electricity charging me
(this is the night)
TouchScreen, TouchScreen now

Quick as a flash
At the stroke of twelve
Did I click I WANT ONE?
Does anything rhyme with twelve?

The price seems pretty good
The specs seem good enough
22-inch LCD
Begging to be touched

This is the night, yeah
This is the night
This is the time you’ve got to buy it, right?

(this is the night)
TouchScreen, TouchScreen
Want you to feel my LCD
Your electricity charging me
(this is the night)
TouchScreen, TouchScreen now

320GB hard drive overwhelming my brain
I could not decide between wireless or wired LAN
In the HP Ambient Light
I was begging you
To take advantage of my quick, easy touch-screen access to information, photos, videos, music, applications, and social networks

Uh….Uh, that last line was too long

(this is the night)
TouchScreen, TouchScreen
Want you to feel my LCD
Your electricity charging me
(this is the night)
TouchScreen, TouchScreen now

(this is the night)
TouchScreen, TouchScreen
Want you to feel my LCD
Your electricity charging me
(this is the night)
TouchScreen, TouchScreen now

Warranty: 90 Day HP

World’s Crappiest ProjectorWorld’s Crappiest Projector

Ooh, It’s Simply The Worst

Everywhere I go, people say, “You live the kind of luxurious lifestyle that I can only dream about – and you do it all on a freelance shoeshine consultant’s income. What’s your secret?”

They see the boat, the condo, the wine collection, and they just can’t figure it out. Well, I’ll tell you the answer. And it has nothing to do with making fraudulent lost-luggage claims against the airlines. In this threat-level-orange era, that doesn’t work any more (thanks a lot, al Qaeda). No, my secret is far simpler:

I refuse to settle for the best.

When I’m making my consumption choices, I employ a discerning eye to seek out the crummiest, flimsiest, and, yes, crappiest of everything. The condo right above the dumpster. The boat that was the scene of a quadruple-homicide after a drug deal gone bad. The wine that comes in a styrofoam jug. If it isn’t the worst possible choice, I just can’t be bothered. Because I probably can’t afford it.

But this projector presents no such problems. Some consumers might turn and run when a snobbish fancy-pants gadget site like Gizmodo says it has the “worst contrast ratio, or lack thereof, we’ve ever seen” and that games look “as pixelated as any video could ever possibly be.” Those self-confessed projector snobs can say that the FBI warning at the beginning of a DVD “looked like hieroglyphics.” They can say it “even smelled bad, like mildew, and made way more noise than we could bear.”

You know what I say? “One, please.”

Because, of the three words “World’s Crappiest Projector”, only the last one really matters. Why get all caught up in nitpicking over lumens and contrast ratio and weird visual artifacts? That way lies higher prices. Me, I’m a projector owner now. How many of the other consultants at the shoeshine stand can say that?

Warranty: 6 Month Senario

Sabrent USB 2.0 Digital HDTV TunerSabrent USB 2.0 Digital HDTV Tuner

Miss You

“That’s right, Diane. As soon as I’m done with this picture it’s back to my sweetie in Oklahoma.”

“Hey, Reggie! Reggie, open the door, man!”

“Oh. Oh, hi, Mike. Hey, you want some pizza? I got some in the box on the couch over there. I’m just watching a little tv on my computer using this Sabrent TV-DGUSB USB 2.0 Digital HDTV Tuner. Catchin’ up on the news right now.”

“That’s right, Diane. As soon as I’m done with this picture it’s back to my sweetie in Oklahoma.”

“Reggie, buddy, we’re getting worried. Look at this place. Look at you! Two weeks ago I came by and you were in the exact same spot, wearing the same sweat pants, even. It’s like you didn’t even move!”

“What? Oh, yeah. I’m fine, Mike, really. I’m just using the Sabrent TV-DGUSB USB 2.0 Digital HDTV Tuner to watch a little tv. It gets me all the digital HDTV signals from the air and I can handle all the unencrypted QAM cable stations too. You know how many shows I can fit on my PC when I’m using this thing? I’ve got a ton of great stuff, just waiting for me to enjoy it.”

“That’s right, Diane. As soon as I’m done with this picture it’s back to my sweetie in Oklahoma.”

“Reggie, you’re not fine, you’re using the Sabrent TV-DGUSB USB 2.0 Digital HDTV Tuner’s time shifting feature to play back the same seven seconds over and over again. Reggie, I know it hurts that she’s gone. But you can’t change that now. And at some point, you just have to move on with your life.”

“Mike, I’m glad to see you, but can you keep it down a little? I’m trying to watch tv on my Sabrent TV-DGUSB USB 2.0 Digital HDTV Tuner.”

“That’s right, Diane. As soon as I’m done with this picture it’s back to my sweetie in Oklahoma.”

“Reg, why don’t you take a shower and come grab dinner with me and Sue? Her cousin’s in town, you’d really like her. Just set up your Sabrent TV-DGUSB USB 2.0 Digital HDTV Tuner to save everything to your hard drive and you won’t miss a thing. You’ll come home and all those shows will still be waiting. C’mon, I’ll wingman ya, it’ll be great.”

“Mike, I’d love to, really, but I have to keep up to date. How can a person claim to have an informed opinion regarding the issues of the world if they don’t at least make an effort to watch the local news?”

“That’s right, Diane. As soon as I’m done with this picture it’s back to my sweetie in Oklahoma.”

“Reg, you gotta face it. She’s not coming back. You gotta move on. You can’t just sit here alone forever. Okay, look, I’ll call Sue and cancel tonight. You and I can just hang out here and watch the game and talk. Like old times, right? Right, bro?”

“What? Oh, right, Mike, right. You and me. Old times. Sure thing. Soon as the news is over.”

“That’s right, Diane. As soon as I’m done with this picture it’s back to my sweetie in Oklahoma.”

“Okay, Reg. I get the picture. Maybe I’ll check back next week. Listen, you call me, any time you want, okay? You don’t even need a reason. I’ll let myself out.”

“Yeah, great, Mike, great. Hey, you really should get one of these Sabrent TV-DGUSB USB 2.0 Digital HDTV Tuners. It’s a great way to watch television any time you want. Save your favorite shows in full quality. It’s like you’re still right there, in the past. When everything was perfect.”

“That’s right, Diane. As soon as I’m done with this picture it’s back to my sweetie in Oklahoma.”

Warranty: 90 Day Sabrent

Features:

• Free-to-air Digital TV, ATSC HDTV, and unencrypted Digital Cable TV (64QAM and 256QAM)
• 64-QAM and 256-QAM are often used in digital cable television and cable modem applications
• In the US, 64-QAM and 256-QAM are the mandated modulation schemes for digital as standardised by the SCTE
• Supports up to 1920×1080i (HDTV) video output and Dolby Digital AC3 Audio Output
• Turn your PC instantly into a DVR (Digital Video Recorder) with this USB TV Tuner
• Play back recordings in full original digital quality
• Rewind and fast forward live TV shows and even pause live TV with time-shifting
• Remote control allows you to control everything including channels, volume, recording, and time shifting
• Schedule TV recordings and save it to your hard drive so you can watch it later

Additional Photos:

• Sabrent USB HDTV Tuner
• Remote Control
• Antenna
• Package

Specifications:

• ATSC, Digital Cable (QAM): 75 Ohm (UHF/VHF) F-type
• TV Frequency: Terrestrial digital channels (ATSC 8VSB), Digital cable (Clear QAM)
• Video: Free-to-air digital 8 bits Vestigial Side-Band, Demodulation (8VSB), Digital Cable TV (64QAM and 256QAM)
• Audio: Dolby Digital AC3 audio output

System Requirements:

• Pentium IV 2.4GHz (3.0Ghz recommended for HDTV)
• 256MB RAM (512 recommended)
• Graphics card that supports DirectX 9.0 or above
• USB 2.0 port
• Windows 2k, XP, or Vista

In the box:

• Sabrent TV-DGUSB USB 2.0 Digital HDTV Tuner
• Remote Control
• Antenna
• User’s Manual

MyVu Solo Plus Personal Media ViewerMyVu Solo Plus Personal Media Viewer

I Do, MyVu

I didn’t think that expanding the legal definition of marriage would particularly affect my life. How wrong I was.

I just never gave the issue much thought. As far as I was concerned, states could let whoever get married that they wanted to. Or not. Or whatever. Just don’t make me have to think about it. I got hockey games to watch, you know?

But then a couple of states passed laws expanding marriage rights. And almost immediately, I started to become aware of some new feelings stirring deep within me. Feelings I wanted to ignore. Feelings I tried to ignore. Feelings I could not ignore.

I desperately wanted to marry these MyVu MediaViewer Glasses.

I never would’ve felt this way before. But once the marriage door was thrown open, all bets were off. It wasn’t enough anymore to simply enjoy videos on my portable media player on the MediaViewer’s SolidOptex screen. I didn’t just want its stereo earbuds in my ears. I wanted its hand in matrimony. I mean, shouldn’t it have the right to visit me in the hospital?

I know, I know. It’s crazy. I don’t understand it myself. I can only assume that the doomsayers are right: once our society is no longer limited to the traditional man-woman definition of marriage, we will all become clinically insane, and indulge in decadence not seen since the fall of Sodom. How? Why? What kind of sense does that make? Don’t ask me. I’m crazy, remember?

And what’s even crazier is that MediaViewer and I are thinking about adding a third to our union: the MyVu cable for iPod and iPhone. Part of me says it’s sheer perversion, but another part of me really wants to use MediaViewer to watch videos on my iPhone. Who knew all my morals could be completely destroyed by a legislator or judge or two?

Speaking of the law, it remains illegal in all 50 states for a man to marry a pair of video goggles. I’m willing to move anywhere to make our love official. But frankly, I’m feeling pretty discouraged that I’ll ever walk down the aisle with my MyVu MediaViewer in any state.

Well, maybe Vermont.

Warranty: One Year Myvu

iRobot Roomba 530 Robotic Vacuum with Virtual WalliRobot Roomba 530 Robotic Vacuum with Virtual Wall

Meet the Floormasters

Hey, that’s show business

Gian Goulashi (radio host and runner-up, All-Canada Jimmy Fallon Lookalike Search, 2006): “A Whole New Me” is the name of the first album by the Floormasters, who join us in the studio today. If the name Floormasters sounds vaguely familiar, it might be because their principal songwriter, singer and lead triangle player is the iRobot Roomba 530 Robotic Vacuum, known to many as the most efficient robot vacuum on the market, able to sweep dirt, debris, pet hair, dust and allergens from carpets and hard floors alike.

And while you might be more accustomed to seeing the Roomba 530 as the deal of the day on Woot, this music project is anything but a sideline. The Roomba 530 has always intended to be a big-time, self-important rock diva; it just got distracted by a hugely successful career in the housekeeping industry.

These days, the Roomba 530 is all about the rock, as you can tell by this new record, which must be really good, since it—and not the Roomba’s high profile—is the whole reason we have these Floormasters on our show, instead of some other band that’s been around longer, and whose music might be better, but which features no members who have schtupped Angelin- oh, wait, I’m not supposed to mention that. Anyway, the Floormasters. Welcome.

Floormasters who are not the Roomba 530: Hi.

GG: So, you guys are, like, a band, I guess.

Francis Fendlesworth (bass player and founder of Francis Fendlesworth’s Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp for Movie Stars): Yes. A legitimate band that everyone is very interested in on the sole basis of our music, and not for any other reason.

GG: And—Roomba 530, what originally drew you to… country music, or rock music, or zydeco music, or whatever kind of music is on this record, anyway?

iRobot Roomba 530: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

GG: Well, I’m asking you about this record, which I haven’t listened to, but I understand it has… what, some songs on it, right? I’d rather ask you your high score on TOMB RAIDER, if you know what I mean, but I’m trying to maintain the premise that you’re here to talk music.

R530: I don’t know what you’re taking about.

GG: ...Ooookay. Let’s try something else, then. What was it like working with those lovable kids in the Bad News Bears remake?

R530: Would you ask Tom Petty that?

GG: Uh, probably not, since I don’t think he was in that movie.

R530: And would you treat Tom Petty like he was some music-biz dilettante?

GG: Of course not. He’s, like, a legend. You know, “Damn the Torpedoes.” He’s a multi-Grammy winner. He’s in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He played with Orbison and Harrison in that Wilburys thing.

R530: EXACTLY. And that’s why I demand to be treated with the SAME DEFERENCE.

GG: ...Uh… you… Wait, what?

R530: THE SAME. AS IF I, TOO, HAD BEEN A PROMINENT MUSICIAN FOR DECADES BEFORE NOW.

GG: I’m sorry, are you reacting to… because I mentioned that you’re a well-known cleaning appliance?

R530: OK, first of all, you were instructed not to talk about any of that.

GG: But… you are a well-known cleaning appliance. The audience knows you for your outstanding counter-rotating bristle brush and beater brush, which work together like a dustpan and broom, digging deep into carpet fibers to grab dirt. And for your fine filter, which traps dust and pollen and stuff.

Anyway, if I didn’t mention your floor-sweeping career, how else would I work in a plug for the big iRobot sale going on right now, where Woot customers get a promo code for 20% off all Roomba 500 accessories? I mean, don’t you think those Woot customers would find it odd if I just pretended…

R530: YOU WERE INSTRUCTED.

GG: Look, I’m not trying to provoke you, I just thought… Well, let’s abandon this charade. You guys were going to perform a song or something?

R530: Not me. I refuse. I’m not performing under these conditions. These guys I hired to be my pretend band, they can play. I’ll be pouting in my trailer.

GG: In your—dude, there’s no trailer. This isn’t a movie set.

R530: I AM TOM PETTY.

GG: Well, I’d agree with three of those words, anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, the Floormasters, without the iRobot Roomba 530, performing a vocal-less, triangle-less version of whatever this song is.

FF: We’ll do “Real Rock Star.” That one doesn’t have any triangle in it, anyway.

R530: THERE GOES YOUR BIT PART IN MR. WOODCOCK 2, FENDLESWORTH.

FF: $#!t! That was the whole reason I agreed to play in this phony band!

Warranty: 90 Day iRobot