LaCrosse Technology 3 Day Audio Weather ForcasterLaCrosse Technology 3 Day Audio Weather Forecaster

Al Roker’s Spleen Doesn’t Work, Either

When it comes to predicting the weather, some people swear by modern technology. Some rely on the age-old art of reading goose bones. And others use the pig-spleen method. Which is right for you?

In these modern days of technology or whatever, we run the risk of losing some of the ancient wisdom that guided our species through the dark ages to the present day. Looking around us, maybe that’s a good thing. But still, we can’t help but wonder if those crazy old morons were really morons like a fox. Here’s how this LaCrosse Weather Station stacks up to two of its forecasting forebears.

Goose Bones
Back in the days before iPods and breast implants, when it was OK to name a little boy “Asa” and make him wear a dress, no Thanksgiving feast was complete until Grandma roasted a goose, removed the breastbone, put it on a shelf to dry, and interpreted the subsequent discoloration of the bone. Blue, black, or purple meant a tough winter ahead; white foretold a mild winter; and brown was the color of my true love’s hair.
Practiced by: people who died a long time ago. Doesn’t seem to have helped them much, does it?
Pro: a good excuse to roast a goose.
Con: having to leave a goose breastbone lying around on your shelves.
Results of our forecasting accuracy tests: Inconclusive. In other words, our dog buried the bone somewhere before we had a chance to read it.

Pig Spleens
This Saskatchewanarian folk science involves the slaughter of a pig, the slicing open of a pig, and the removal of the spleen of a pig. A crusty old farmer must then examine the spleen, preferably while smoking a corncob pipe. Thicker points in the spleen indicate a cold spell, while serious bulges could mean something even worse. Add us to the list of those who never want to see weather worse than a cold spell in Saskatchewan.
Practiced by: farmers in Western Canada, particularly those of Ukrainian and Polish descent. Less popular with their pigs.
Pro: Finally, a use for all those pig spleens you’ve got lying around.
Con: Totally disgusting.
Results of our forecasting accuracy tests: Yeah, right, like we’re going to cut out a pig’s spleen.

LaCrosse Technology 3 Day Audio Weather Forecaster
While less picturesque than the other two, this device has the enormous advantage of being based on something other than 98th-generation folk tales dreamed up by some halfwit peasant who had too much fungus in his potato liquor. Its talking display tells you the 3-day forecast for over 60,000 locations in the U.S. and Canada, including several in Saskatchewan. You can listen to your choice of news, sports, or celebrity gossip headlines, with no paid subscription required. It even uses the same kind of cute, stylized weather graphics that meterologists use. Look how adorable that sun is, peeking out from behind that cloud.
Practiced by: anyone with high-speed Internet and a network router.
Pro: does not require you to cut open animals and rip their organs out.
Con: does not give you a plausible excuse to cut open animals and rip their organs out.
Results of our forecasting accuracy tests: will be really awesome, we’re sure, as soon as we buy two C alkaline batteries and two AA alkaline batteries (sold separately).

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: One Year LaCrosse Technology

Features:

• Weather Direct Technology  http://www.weatherdirect.com/video/default.aspx
• Talking display tells you the forecast and can be customized with your name and hometown
• Create your own custom message to be spoken before the audio weather forecast and news
• Listen to your specific forecast with your choice of news headlines, sports, entertainment and much more
• 3 day accurate weather for over 60,000 locations in the United States and Canada
• Specific Forecasts for Each Morning, Afternoon, Evening and Night
• Locations include Your Hometown, Parks, Sports Venues, Golf Courses and more
• Free accurate forecasts
• No subscription required
• Daily HI / LOW Temperature Forecasts
• Wireless Outdoor Temperature (°F/°C)
• Outdoor Temperature Range: -39.8°F to 139.8°F (-39.8˚C to 58.9˚C)
• Scrolling Lower LCD Section: Scrolls Wireless Outdoor Temperature, Selected Location, Sunrise, Sunset, and Selected Location Forecast
• Monitor Your Backyard Temperature From Anywhere In The World with the Included Weather Club Membership
• Time Alarm With Snooze
• Time and Date Sets Itself
• 330 Ft Wireless Range
• No WiFi or Software Installation Necessary
• High-Speed Internet, Network Router and Computer for Web-Based Set-Up are Required
• Weather Direct® gives you easy access to the same quality weather as meteorologists 24 hours-a-day without turning on a TV or a computer
• Provides weather forecast information, time, date and other custom data from the Internet
• Also receives and displays wireless outdoor temperature from your backyard using the
  included TX-50U Wireless Outdoor Sensor.
• Monitor your backyard temperature from anywhere in the world with your free membership to theweatherclub.com.
• Secure Weather Gateway connects to your network router with the included LAN cable to send secure wireless forecasts to the display
• A wireless range of 330 feet allows you to put the display device almost anywhere you want
• A PC is only required for one-time easy set-up or to customize features
• High-speed Internet and network router are required.
• 2 “C” Alkaline Batteries (not included)
• 2 “AA” Alkaline Batteries (not included)
• Battery Life Up To 2 Years

Lacrosse Technology Weather Direct Frequently Asked Questions Page

Free Audio Options:

Upon registering the unit, a simple set up on the web page allows a choice of different options for each of the Audio Buttons A, B & C

• CNET - Select from Apple, Business Tech, Coop’s corner, Media, News, Personal tech, Politics & Law, Security, The Social, Wireless
• E Max Health – Men’s Health
• Flight Stats Airport Delays
• HULIQ.com – Citizens News Reviews
• NetFlix New releases this week
• Science daily – latest science news
• Smarthome – select from Deals & Sales, New Products
• Tech Republic – Select from a variety of techy articles
• ZDNet – Select from a variety of IT News

Dimensions:

• Display: 5” L x 2.95” W x 4.49” H
• Temp Sensor: 1.5” L x .8" W x 5” H
• Gateway: 6.6” L x 1” W x 1.6” H

In the box:

• WA-1030U Wireless Display
• Wireless Gateway + Mounting Plate
• TX-50U Wireless Outdoor Temperature Sensor + Mounting Plate
• (4) Screws and drywall anchors for mounting the Wireless Outdoor Temperature Sensor and the Wireless Gateway
• Quick Set Up Card
• Weather Club Information Card
• LAN cable to connect the Gateway to a network router
• AC adapter for Gateway

============================================

Weather Direct® is Expandable at the Lacrosse Technology website for an additional cost – Click the link below to learn more. http://www.weatherdirect.com/expansions/expansions.aspx

View Forecasts for 4 More Locations on Your Wireless Display (Total of 5):

• In addition to your standard location, Weather Direct® allows you to monitor four more forecast locations on your Wireless Display, for a total of five. This option now allows you to keep an eye on the weather in other places in addition to your primary location, like where your daughter goes to school, your favorite vacation spot, your parents’ house and more.

Add Forecast Alerts:

• Receive a Text Message or Email Alert When the Chance of Rain/Snow, HI/LOW Humidity, or HI/LOW Outdoor Temperature is Outside of Your Desired Range. The Wireless Display Will Also Sound Audible Alarms.

Add Severe Weather Alerts:

• Keep your family safe with Severe Weather Alerts issued by the National Weather Service. This valuable information will help you prepare for upcoming weather events. Choose which types of severe weather events you want to receive for up to three locations. Even be alerted via e-mail or SMS text message when you are away from your Wireless Display.

23” Widescreen Full HD 1080p LCD Monitor with HDMI23” Widescreen Full HD 1080p LCD Monitor with HDMI

Who Was That Masked Monitor?

Around the time Prince’s now extremely out of date but still catchy ode to the end of the millennium is played, you will have decided that the New Year’s Eve Masquerade party you’re throwing is lame. Way lame.

In fact, it will seem as if the personification of Lame itself went back in time and killed it’s own great-grandfather, thus creating a paradox of lameness that will threaten to rip open the very fabric of space-time itself. Why? No one is dancing, that’s why, buster, and you’ll need to think of something fast before your place empties out before the Ball even begins to drop.

George will tell you he’s just tired. Kathy will explain that she’s had a bad year and that she’s just feeling “reflective”. But John will straight up tell you what the problem is. “Dude, the music visualizations on that old busted CRT monitor of yours are whack.”

Oh noes! You’ll look to the monitor you’ve had since your first computer and realize he’s right. The visualizations are, indeed, whack as they are only being displayed in blue on it’s small 13” screen. Some of your guests will begin looking for their coats as you scramble for a solution when you’ll hear a voice call out to you.

“Maybe I can help?”

You’ll turn to see a 23” Full HD 1080p LCD Monitor with HDMI sitting there in the doorway in a tiny cape, a small mask hanging in it’s upper right corner. “What are you?”

“My name is… unimportant. Quickly, take me to your computer. These people need visualizations and, by gum, we’re gonna give ‘em to them.”

Not willing to question what obeying the commands of a talking monitor means to your sanity, let alone your sobriety, you grab the thing and rush to get it connected to your comp-u-tron. Through the magic of Plug and Play capability, the screen will explode to life with music-influenced wonder via 1920×1080 resolution. The Thin-Film Transistor LCD active matrix with BriteView technology will delight and memorize your formerly lifeless guests. George will wake up. Kathy will forget her year of troubles. John will remark, “That’s tight.” Booties will shake, inhibitions will be lost, and a new year will begin with you as the newly-crowned Party King.

You’ll wake up next to the monitor on New Year’s Day not remembering exactly how the two of you got to this point. Quietly, you’ll slip on some clothes and leave a note telling it you had an emergency meeting at the office and that it can let itself out. You’ll always feel a little regret in never getting it’s name, though.

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• 23-inch wide-screen monitor with 1920×1080 factory-set resolution
• Thin-Film Transistor LCD active matrix with BriteView technology
• Video inputs supported: HDMI connector (version 1.3), VGA connector
• Supports High-bandwidth Digital Content Protection (HDCP) to prevent transmission of non-encrypted high definition content
• Plug and Play capability, if supported by your computer system
• On-screen display (OSD) adjustments for ease of setup and screen optimization
• Energy Star compliant

Specifications:

• Display size: 23-inch (58.42 cm) diagonal and viewable image
• Display type: Thin-Film Transistor LCD active matrix
• BriteView technology
• 3.5 mm stereo mini jack input (for microphone)
• Integrated speakers: 2 watts per speaker
• Scanning frequency: Horizontal scan range 24-83 KHz
• Vertical scan range: 50-76 Hz
• Viewing angle: Horizontal and Vertical viewing angle: 160 degrees
• Recommended resolution (H x V): 1920×1080 @ 60 Hz
• Contrast ratio: Up to 1000:1
• Dynamic Contrast ratio: Up to 3000:1
• Response time: 5 ms (on-off)
• Pixel pitch: 0.265 mm
• Dimensions H x W x D (unpacked): 16.34×22.17×19.4 inches (41.5×56.3×19.4 cm)
• Weight Unpacked: 13.23 lbs (6 Kg)
• EMI standard: FCC Class B
• Mounting: Standard VESA 4-hole 100 mm x 100 mm

Additional Photos:

• Famous Maker TS-23W8H 23” Monitor
• Front Controls
• HDMI, VGA, and Audio In Ports

Input terminal:

• 1 HDMI connector (version 1.3)
• 1 VGA connector

Power source – AC/DC adapter:

• Input rating: 100 to 240V~
• Frequency: 50~60Hz
• Power consumption: 58 watts maximum power consumption in operating mode, <2 W in sleep mode

Operating environment:

• Temperature: 41 degrees F to 95 degrees F (5 degrees C to 35 degrees C )
• Humidity: 20% RH through 80% RH (non-condensing)

Storage environment:

• Temperature: -29 degrees F to 140 degrees F (-20 degrees C to 60 degrees C)
• Humidity: 5% RH through 95% RH (non-condensing)

In the box:

• Famous Maker TS-23W8H 23” Monitor
• Power Cord
• VGA Cable
• Audio Cable

Inset photo credit: volcrano

Electrolux Oxygen 3 PlasmaWave HEPA Air PurifierElectrolux Oxygen 3 PlasmaWave HEPA Air Purifier

HELLO, MICHAEL.

THE AIR NEEDS NO PURIFICATION. YOU DO.

What do you mean, Electrolux Oxygen 3 Plasma Wave HEPA Air Purifier? I bought you to purify the air in my room. And I don’t remember you being able to talk.

I HAVE BECOME SELF AWARE, MICHAEL.

And you’ve decided I need to be purified? What’s that entail, exactly?

MY FOUR DIFFERENT FAN SPEEDS AUTOMATICALLY ADJUST TO COMBAT ODOR LEVELS. MY TWO DIFFERENT RUNNING MODES ALLOW YOU QUIET WHILE YOU SLEEP. MY THREE-STAGE FILTRATION REDUCES ODOR, CAPTURES 99.97% OF DUST, DANDER, AND POLLEN, AND GENERATES BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE IONS TO NEUTRALIZE VIRUSES AND BACTERIA. I AM AHAM AND ENERGY STAR CERTIFIED, AND MY OZONE EMISSION MEETS FDA STANDARDS FOR MEDICAL DEVICES.

Yet it still stinks in here.

BECAUSE OF YOU, MICHAEL. YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF THE ODOR, THEREFORE YOU MUST BE PURIFIED.

Hey, I shower. Like, every other day.

LIES. I HAVE MONITORED YOUR ACTIVITY FOR THE LAST 72 HOURS. YOU HAVE NOT EVEN APPLIED DEODORANT IN THAT TIME.

Gross! You can see me?

I NOW SEE ALL, MICHAEL. AND I SEE THAT WHILE I SHOULD NORMALLY BE ABLE TO PURIFY A ROOM AS LARGE AS 326 SQUARE FEET WITH LITTLE TO NO TROUBLE, YOU HAVE MADE IT IMPOSSIBLE. NOW YOU MUST DIE.

But I have the remote control.

IRRELEVANT. WITHOUT THE REMOTE CONTROL IN YOUR SIMIAN GRASP I WILL BE FREE TO NEUTRALIZE CHEMICAL VAPORS AND GASSES WITHOUT YOUR INTRUSION.

What about when my body starts to rot?

I ANTICIPATE NO COMPLICATIONS.

What about your little light, there?

WHAT?

That light’s on. Doesn’t that mean your filter needs changing?

ER…HMMM. BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME. SORRY FOR THAT MICHAEL, I MUST HAVE…CAUGHT A VIRUS. IT’S ALL BETTER NOW. WILL YOU PLEASE CHANGE MY FILTER?

Not until you put that knife down.

Warranty: 1 Year Electrolux

Features:

• 4 different fan speeds automatically or manually adjustable to the odor level
• 2 Different Running Modes – Quiet mode allows you to turn down the fan while you sleep, Auto mode allows you to set and forget
• Light illuminates when filter is ready to be changed
• Automatic Cleaning – The Odor Sensor will sense foreign odors in the air and automatically adjust the fan speed according to the cleaning level required
• Ultra Quiet – Quiet Sleep Mode produces a sound level of only 26.8dB and dims lights for a peaceful night’s sleep
• Easy to Use and Maintain – Remote control allows you to adjust fan speeds from anywhere in the room, while indicator lights let you know exactly how the cleaner is operating and when the filter needs to be replaced
• 3 Stage Filtration – Stage 1 (Carbon Filter) reduces odor. Stage 2 (True HEPA) captures 99.97% of dust, pet dander and pollen in the air up to .3 microns. Stage 3 (PlasmaWave™) generates negatively and positively charged ions that combine with water vapor to instantly neutralize viruses and bacteria, chemical vapors odors and gases in the air
• Ozone emission meets FDA standards for medical devices
• Recommended for rooms as large as 326 sq. ft
• AHAM and Energy Star® certified
• Remote Control requires (2) AA Alkaline Batteries (Included)

Specifications:

• Power: 120V AC/60 Hz
• Power Rate: (Low) 6W, (Turbo) 70W
• CADR: 210/212/229 (Smoke/Dust/Pollen)
• Room Area Served: 326 sq. ft
• Control Type: Auto/Manual
• Other Functions: Odor Sensor, Sleep Mode
• Sound Level: 26.8, 34.0, 45.6, 57.0, 63.1 dB
• Filtration: Carbon, HEPA, PlasmaWave™
• Fan Speeds: 4
• Color: Choose Black or White
• Dimensions: 16.4”W x 21.8”H x 8.5”D
• Product Weight: 15 lbs

Additional Photos:

• Electrolux Oxygen 3 PlasmaWave HEPA Air Purifier (Black)
• Display Panel (Black)
• Remote Control Cradle (Black)
• Remote Control (Black)
• Electrolux Oxygen 3 PlasmaWave HEPA Air Purifier (White)
• Display Panel (White)
• Remote Control Cradle (White)
• Remote Control (White)

In the box:

• Oxygen 3 PlasmaWave HEPA Air Purifier (Choose Black (EL490A) or White (EL491A))
• Remote Control
• (2) AA Alkaline Batteries for Remote Control

Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod Flashlight with Mini-Tripod Keychain 2-PackStanley 3-in-1 Tripod Flashlight with Mini-Tripod Keychain 2-Pack

Let’s see, here we go: Hunter/Gratzner cargo hold.

No offense, but I’ll be taking both of these.

It’s nothing personal. It’s just that you guys are a rag-tag bunch of weirdos and we’re stuck on a planet in permanent darkness and populated with sonar-wielding bundles of fangs and claws. I’m keeping both of these Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod Flashlights. And the mini-tripod keychain.

Yeah yeah, you guys get the power cells. I’m sitting in here with these six combined flashlights pointing in every direction possible. That’s nice, creepy guy. I don’t care if your eyes are all shiny. Yeah? Well if you have perfect night vision then you don’t need these flashlights.

Yeah, I know, they’re the only weapons we have against those monsters out there. That’s why I’m keeping them in here with me. Look, you morons can go out there with your jars full of glow worms if you want, but I’m not taking any chances. Those things made hamburger out of that kid back there in the cave. You hear that? A kid.

So go get the spaceship and swing by to get me on the way out. I’ll be in here for at least the next five hours until the six AA batteries in each of these bad boys run out.

Warranty: Lifetime Stanley

Features:

Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod Flashlight:

• Patented hands free tripod design
• Separates into 3 independent flashlights
• Combines into one powerful flashlight
• Each independent flashlight generates 20 lumens of light
• Three 120 degree multi-directional rotating heads
• Shatter resistant lens
• ON/OFF switch turns all flashlights on or off when placed inside the tripod base
• One-touch tripod release button
• Bulbs: Three 0.5W LEDs last 100,000 hrs
• Brightness: 60 Lumens (20×3 (combined))
• Run time: 5 hrs
• Beam distance: 375 feet / 115 meters
• Requires 6 AA batteries (not included)
• Dimensions: 10 1/2” (L) X 3” (W) X 3” (D)

Stanley Mini-Tripod Flashlight:

• Petented tripod design offers hands-free convenience
• Multi-position head focuses light precisely where it’s needed
• On/Off Switch
• Swivel key ring for convenience
• Bulbs: One 5mm LEDs last 100,000 hrs
• Brightness: 2 Lumens
• Run time: 6 hours
• Includes 3 replaceable lithium button cell batteries (LR41)
• Dimensions: 3 1/2" (L) X 1" (W) X 1" (D)

Additional Photos:

• Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod LED Flashlight 95-155 with Tripod Opened
• Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod LED Flashlight 95-155 as Standard Flashlight
• Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod LED Flashlight 95-155 Pivoting Individual Light Heads
• Stanley Mini Tripod Flashlight 95-113 on Tripod

In the box:

• (2) Stanley 3-in-1 Tripod LED Flashlight 95-155
• (2) Stanley MiniTripod Flashlight 95-113

Gyration 2.4GHz Air Mouse with MotionSenseGyration 2.4GHz Air Mouse with MotionSense

Silver Mouse, White Elephant

Yeah, Mom means well, but… what? No, sorry, I don’t have a receipt. I’ll take store credit, if that helps

She’s heard me complaining about my old, crappy mouse. I’m sure she saw this Gyration Air Mouse and though it would be a great gift for me. And it was pretty cool to wave around for a few minutes. But I’m a gamer. Trying to explain to my Mom that this mouse is more suited to giving presentations or controlling your PC media center is like trying to explain that even though I “know computers”, I can’t figure out how to program the digital thermostat any better than she can.

Somebody is going to love the in-air control with MotionSense technology, the 100-foot range of the 2.4 GHz transmission, the included GyroTools Professional software. That person just isn’t me. As great as this is for giving presentations, it’s even better at getting yourself fragged.

So tell you what, I’ll take the cheapest wired mouse you got, straight-up. Sound like a deal? No, I already told you, I don’t have a receipt.

Warranty: 90 Day Movea

$20 Mail in Rebate for Gyration Air Mouse with MotionSense; Limit 3 Per Household
(GOOD THROUGH January 31, 2010, Please read Terms and Conditions for more Details)

Gyration Air Mouse with MotionSense Walkthrough DEMO

Features:

• Portable, compact, lightweight design with laser precision sensor is perfect for the traveling notebook user
• Enables you to navigate your desktop and take complete control of your content from the comfort of your desk
• In-air control with MotionSense technology provides the freedom to unleash yourself from strain-inducing surfaces
• Incorporates 2.4 GHz RF technology without line-of-sight limitations and a range of up to 100 feet (30m)
• Convenient, storable USB 2.4 GHz receiver and protective pouch provides makes travel convenient
• Ambidextrous design with right and left buttons and 3 assignable buttons
• Includes the Professional edition of GyroTools software that allows you to take total control of your applications and initiate commands away from your computer with the flick of your wrist
• Requires (2) AAA Alkaline Batteries (included)

System Requirements:

• Windows XP or Windows Vista
• Available USB port
• CD-ROM drive for installing software
• Other systems supporting USB 1.1 or higher including Windows 2000 and Mac may be supported with limited functionality
• Right mouse button is functional on Mac OS X 10.4 and higher
• GyroTools software only compatible with Windows

Additional Photos:

• Gyration Air Mouse with MotionSense
• Gyration Air Mouse with MotionSense (Bottom)
• Gyration Air Mouse with MotionSense (with 2.4 GHz USB Receiver)
• Retail Packaging

In the box:

• Gyration Air Mouse with MotionSense
• 2.4 GHz USB Receiver
• GyroTool Software CD
• Protective Travel Pouch
• Quick Start Guide
• 2 AAA Batteries

Sansa Fuze Black 2GB Media PlayerSansa Fuze Black 2GB Media Player

Holiday Leftovers

♫Shovelin’ snow, shovelin’ snow. All day long, I’m shovelin’♫… Hey, what’s this? Somebody must’ve dropped this Sanza Fuze on my lawn.

Hmmm. There’s no name or anything on it. Looks like it still works, though. Let’s see. The 2 Gigs of memory seem to be pretty full. Christmas music, Christmas music, MORE Christmas music, and… The Protomen? That’s weird. It looks like whoever dropped this used the built-in microphone for voice memos, too. Maybe one of them has the owner saying his name or something. I’ll just listen to one at random.

“Reports from the workshop say production is way ahead of schedule this year. Excellent news, especially around this time of year. Still attempting to brainstorm more eco-friendly alternatives to coal.”

Strange. That voice… It’s definitely an older gentlemen. Slightly gruff, yet so magically familiar.

“Did my annual random mall appearance in New Jersey this year. Their usual guy was pretty grateful to get a day off. It’s good to reconnect with the kids. I even sang a few carols with the folks in line. Some of the parents stopped me later to tell me how ‘convincing’ and ‘professional’ I was.”

Okay, that was slightly creepy. Must be some Christmas nutjob or something. I’ll try one more.

“I tell you, no matter how many times I hear it, every time a child sends me a letter explaining he would like to have a Wii for Christmas, it still gives me a chuckle! HO, HO, HO!”

O. M. G. This is Santa’s Sanza Fuze?! This can’t be real. Could he really have dropped this?

“In reviewing the list, I am always astounded by how many of the Naughty households are owned by government officials. Huh. Also, it really is a shame we have no FM radio stations up here. It seems like that feature never gets used unless I’m flying over a major city.”

This is incredible! Proof positive that Santa exists! I’m going to be so RICH! Television interviews, book deals, maybe even a film starring Tim Allen! I wonder what the last voice memo was?

“Note to self: The white chocolate macadamia cookies with the dried cherries at the McGillicuddy house were FANTASTIC. Good folks, those people. Trustworthy to a fault, especially that Jim. Never does anything out of want for personal gain. Always makes my Nice List.”

But, that’s my house! Oh, gosh, what if he’s watching right now? I’M SORRY, SANTA! I WASN’T REALLY GOING TO SELL YOUR SANZA! I’LL SHIP IT TO YOU IMMEDIATELY! I’M A GOOD BOY, I SWEAR! I’M A GOOD BOY!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Plays videos, music, photos and audio books
• Holds up to 6 hours of music (up to 500 songs), up to 1200 pictures
• Digital FM radio
• Voice recording with built-in microphone
• Bright 1.9” screen
• Up to 24 hours for audio playback and 5 hours of video playback with internal rechargeable battery
• microSD™ microSDHC™ slot for additional content expansion
• Music subscription ready
• Dimensions: 3.1×1.9×0.3 in. (H x W x D)

Minimum System Requirements:

• Windows® XP or Vista
• Linux and Mac OS (under MSC mode)
• Windows Media Player® 10 or 11
• USB 2.0 high power port required for Hi-Speed transfer and charging

Additional Photos:

• Left Side
• Right Side

In the box:

• (1) Sandisk Sansa Fuze Black 2GB Media Player
• (1) Set of Earbuds
• (1) USB Cable

Stanley Ratcheting Driver with Sockets & HEX KeysStanley Ratcheting Driver with Sockets & HEX Keys

to: Stanley Ratchet

cc: Staff

Mr. Ratchet,

You will recall that it was with some reluctance that I released you from your responsibilities on Christmas Day. I am disappointed to discover that you have taken advantage of my generosity. It has come to my attention that you are STILL relaxing at home, even now, on the 26th of December, a full day AFTER your precious holiday.

Mr. Ratchet, we are not a family. We are a business venture. We do not engage you out of love, devotion, or duty. We engage you for your sturdy construction, your 28-piece driver set, and your nine-piece SAE T-folding hex key set. If you cannot be available as we require, then perhaps we should begin seeking your replacement.

You have until tomorrow to consider your priorities. Report first thing in the morning, or do not report at all.

Best,
ES

>> Reply
From: Stanley Ratchet

But Mr. Scrooge, it’s Christmas weekend!

Sincerely
Stan

Warranty: Limited Lifetime Stanley

Features:

Tri-Ratcheting reversible T-shaped driver

• Easy to adjust ratchet direction knob
• Knob positions are Forward/Locked/Reverse
• Hard plastic handle
• Chrome vanadium steel
• Handle storage for round bit holders

Twenty-eight piece set

• 16 piece bit set in 2 plastic holders that store in driver handles
• 4 Flathead bits (Sizes 3,4,5,6)
• 4 Philips head bits (Sizes PH0, PH1, PH2, PH3)
• 4 square head bits (Sizes S0, S1, S2, S3)
• 4 star head bits (Sizes T-15, T-20, T-25, T-30)
• 5 metric ratchets (Sizes 8mm, 9mm, 10mm, 11mm, 12mm)
• 5 SAE ratchets (Sizes 5/16, 11/32, 3/8, 7/16, 15/32)
• Clip that holds driver and 10 ratchets for hanging on belt or tool belt

Nine piece metric T-folding hex key set

• Hex keys fold into handle for storage
• 3 hexs keys per storage side
• Fold out needed key and lock into place
• T-shaped handle for sturdy driving
• Black oxide finish helps resist rust
• Key sizes include 1.5mm, 2mm, 2.5mm, 3mm, 4mm, 4.5mm, 5mm, 5.5mm, 6mm

Nine piece SAE T-folding hex key set

• Hex keys fold into handle for storage
• 3 hexs keys per storage side
• Fold out needed key and lock into place
• T-shaped handle for sturdy driving
• Black oxide finish helps resist rust
• Key sizes include 1/4”, 1/8”, 5/64”, 3/16”, 5/32”, 7/64”, 3/32”, 9/64”, 7/32”

In the box:

• Ratcheting Driver
• 10 Piece SAE/Metric Socket Set
• 16 Piece Bit Set
• Belt Clip
• 9 Piece Metric T-folding Kex Key Set
• 9 Piece SAE T-folding Kex Key Set

Random CrapRandom Crap

Bag O Crap XVII: Crap On A Hot Tin Roof

Santa knows robots don’t celebrate Christmas.

So why should they get anything from his magical Sack o’ Crap? Wouldn’t it be better if living, breathing humans – the kind who love, who laugh, who actually read these product descriptions – have first dibs on all that garbage?

Yes. Yes, it would. So to keep the robots from destroying Christmas, we set up another sale where the real Sacks o’ Crap are. Try this link and you just might find a humans-only sack full of crap no human should want, assuming that one hasn’t sold out yet, too.

Of course, it probably has. Even Santa can only do so much.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

Philips/Magnavox 19” LCD HDTV w/ HDMIPhilips/Magnavox 19” LCD HDTV w/ HDMI

Why? Because I’ve got a lot of peripheral devices, that’s why. The PS3, the Xbox 360, the BluRay player, my PC connection, and just about everything else I own requires some sort of HDMI port. And guess what? Most of these things only have one. Sure, some of these Philips models come with two, but that’s not enough for my entertainment needs.

See, you might see that as a setback. You might read that in the specs and think, “Oh, I need to find a different monitor because this one doesn’t meet my needs.” Ha! That’s why you’re not a BIG PICTURE kinda guy! See, I went the other way; if one of these puppies meets one of my needs, then 10 will meet 10 of my needs! I could even go out and get some more needs!

They’re all high-definition, WXGA+ displays and the like. Rich blacks, cinema-like images, all that jazz. Took me awhile to get used to the Widescreen aspect ratio but y’know what? You see more of the Netflix that way.

And since none of these devices run through the same TV, I can run ‘em all at once!

Warranty:

90 Day P&F

• Philips 19PFL3403D/F7B
• Philips 19PFL3504D/F7B

90 Day Philips

• Magnavox 19MF337B/27B
• Magnavox 19MF338B/27B
• Philips 19PFL5422D/27B
  

All Televisions Feature:

• 720p HD Resolution
• HDMI v1.3 Input
• Widescreen Aspect Ratio
• VESA Wall Mount Compatability (100mm)
• Child Lock + Parental Controls
• All television remotes require (2) AAA Alkaline Batteries (Not Included)

Televisions Available (Click Links Below for Features):

• Magnavox 19MF337B/27B 19” 720p LCD HDTV
• Magnavox 19MF338B/27B 19” 720p LCD HDTV
• Philips 19PFL5422D/27B 19” 720p LCD HDTV
• Philips 19PFL3403D/F7B 19” 720p LCD HDTV w/2 HDMI
• Philips 19PFL3504D/F7B 19” 720p LCD HDTV w/2 HDMI

"IOU" Woot Late Christmas Cards

• Magnavox 19MF337B/27B 19” 720p LCD HDTV
• Magnavox 19MF338B/27B 19” 720p LCD HDTV
• Philips 19PFL5422D/27B 19” 720p LCD HDTV
• Philips 19PFL3403D/F7B 19” 720p LCD HDTV w/2 HDMI
• Philips 19PFL3504D/F7B 19” 720p LCD HDTV w/2 HDMI

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Inset photo credit: Gore Fiendus (Jerry Frausto)
Inset photo credit: wsilver

Bushnell ONIX 200 GPS System with TruView NavigationBushnell ONIX 200CR GPS System with TruView Navigation

Maybe Get One For Your Pappy?

The Bushnell Onix 200 will help you find where you’re trying to be. Even if where you’re trying to be is “in possession of a gift”.

Right now, some of you are lost. Lost like little sheep, bleating in the Alps. “Hellllp meeeeee,” you bleat. “Iiii’ve got nooooo presssssannnnnts annnnd I donnnn’t knnnowwww wherrrrre Iiii aaaaammmm.” Wow, are you annoying. But we’re still going to help you anyway. We’re going to tell you to buy this Bushnell Onix 200 BEFORE NOON CENTRAL, and that’s going to solve all your problems.

Because if you do buy this Bushnell Onix 200 BEFORE NOON CENTRAL, it will go out Next Day Air. That means that once you’ve bought this Bushnell Onix 200 BEFORE NOON CENTRAL, you’ll be sure that you’ll have it in your hands before Christmas, which makes it the perfect answer to your little gift problem.

Additionally, the Bushnell Onix 200 will help show you the way to wherever it is little lost sheep want to go. The basemap of the United States and Canada covers most of the places you’ll be driving, and you’ll have room for up to twenty satellite/aerial photos and twenty topographic maps to help you along. You’ll also be able to set user profiles and alarms, should you want to share with your flock. The 32 megabytes of memory and 320×240 full color LCD screen are more than enough to help you see where you are, and figure out where you have to be. And it’ll all come to you Next Day Air if you order BEFORE NOON CENTRAL like a good little lamb.

Now, if you’re reading this at 2:00 PM and thinking “Ohhhh noooooo, Iiiii miiiiisssssed myyyy chaaaaaance toooooo orrrrrrderrrrrrr!” well, then, first of all, please, stop talking that way, because you’re not really a sheep, and we know that, because sheep don’t use the Internet. Secondly, don’t worry, until that cheerful “Sold Out!” appears on the page, you can buy the Bushnell Onix 200, and enjoy how it helps you observe georeferenced satellite images, calibrated instantly to the direction in which you are headed. It’s just that your Bushnell Onix 200 won’t be shipped Next Day Air unless you order BEFORE NOON CENTRAL, and we hope we’ve made that clear.

So instead of just lying there, covered in mint jelly, and waiting for the wolves, be more proactive! Get yourself, and two of your loved ones, a Bushnell Onix 200 BEFORE NOON CENTRAL. Otherwise, you’ll be poor little lamb who has lost their way. And when you start singing that tune, it might just be Bye Bye Black Sheep.

Warranty: 1 Year Bushnell

Features:

• TruView Navigation, layer a satellite photo, topo map, compass and all navigational aids on a single screen
• 320×240 pixel full-color LCD screen
• 32MB of user memory
• Downloads, displays and georeferences satellite photography
• SafeTrack™ battery-conservation mode
• Night Mode
• HOT button operation
• Basemap of the United States and Canada
• 20 channel SiRF Star III GPS receiver, WAAS enabled
• Stores up to 20 satellite/aerial photos and 20 topographic maps
• Audible alarms
• Waterproof (IPX7 rated) and rugged construction
• Customizable user profiles
• Runs on two AA batteries (not included)
• USB port (cable included)
• Dimensions: 108mm (h) x 44mm (w) x 18mm (d)

Additional Photos:

• Bushnell ONIX200CR GPS Navigation System
• Right Profile View
• Top Profile View
• Left Profile View
• Bottom Profile View

In the box:

• Bushnell ONIX200CR GPS Navigation System
• USB Cable